The Year We Grew Into Our Joy: HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY, MATTHIAS!

I always thought meeting my baby would be the most surreal moment of my life.

And, in many ways, it was.

But, to be completely vulnerable with you, that first year was hard.

Between a traumatic delivery, severe sleep deprivation, and breastfeeding struggles – I didn’t feel like all of the joyful mothers I saw on Instagram.

I felt like I was just surviving.

If you’re in that same stage of motherhood, I promise you this:

The joy will come.

And my gosh — it is far more magical than you can even imagine.

Matthias and I have gone through everything together. Along the way, we’ve formed the deepest bond imaginable … and my love for him has become so deep, it’s actually overwhelming.

As I’ve found my groove with breastfeeding, sleep training, food pickiness, routines, and everything in between — I’ve gained confidence as a mother …

… which has finally given me the space to enjoy the gift that is my son.

This last year was just that:

Enjoying him.

Witnessing Matthias learn and grow every day — and become the light he is — has brought more meaning to our lives than we ever knew possible.

Some things he does that leave me in awe:

• Takes care of his stuffed animals: “HABIBI. Awe you hungwy?! Yeah? You want mowe?!”

• Says “WOW, beautiful Mama!” when I wear anything but sweats

• Lifts his hands to pray, kisses his icons, and says, “Night night, Jesus!” before bed

• Finishes our prayer, “Thank you God for…” with “TAYTA” and all of his cousins ❤️

• Keeps everyone in order: “BE CAWEFUL, WEEYAM. NO STWEET, NOELLE.”

• Balances toddler sass with perfect manners: “No tank yew, Mama. Scuse me, Train. Yew welcome, guys!”

• Apologizes every time he bumps into something, like a table: “Oh! Sowwy!”

• Asks, “Awe yew ok, Mama?!” every time I say “ow.”

• Thinks his name is “Davis” because he looks like Young David from @gominno

• Shakes with excitement every garbage day: “BYE GAWBAGE TWUCK! TANK YEW!”

• Has to specify every number, shape, and color he sees.

• Runs into Abouna Mark’s arms every Sunday and gives peace to everyone in church

• Memorizes every song he hears — from “Kyrie Eleison” to “The Muffin Man”

• Shakes his hips to any and all music (including customer-service hold music).

• Loves eating with people: “Is it gewd, John John? Taibeen! Sahtein, Jido.”

• Tries to name the 12 apostles: “James, John, Muffin, Thomas, Andrew, Jesus, Mama.”

• Squeals by the window when Dada comes home: “MAMA, YOOK!!! DADA HOME!!!”

• Lights up our world with his hugs and pure soul 🥺💙

Happy 2nd Birthday to the boy we still can’t believe we get to call our son!!!

Society Glorifies The Highlight Reel. In 2025, I Want Sacrifice & Imperfection

Social media is a highlight reel.

It makes it seem like a happy life = one that LOOKS picture-perfect.

But I’ve found happiness requires some not-so-picture-perfect work 🙃

After a chaotic start to motherhood, I committed to that work in 2024.

I decided to:

▪️Dive into @takingcarababies.

▪️Develop the HAPPIEST independent sleeper (who went from waking up every hour to sleeping 12 hours a night)!

▪️(Once we were no longer sleep-deprived): Create a routine in which the whole family can thrive.

▪️Enjoy laughing, playing, and cuddling with Matthias during the day – but include slots of “independent playtime.” This contributes to his development, while giving Mama time to fill her cup.

▪️Recommit to daily Bible study, gratitudes, journaling, and spiritual podcasts.

▪️Follow a consistent bedtime routine – ensuring we A) pray as a family and B) make Matthias feel loved and secure before he puts himself to sleep.

▪️Find a balance between having a routine and being an active part of our family, church, and community (being too structured can be isolating).

▪️Enhance my energy through staying active, intermittent fasting, and eating LOTS of whole foods (but balance is key & nightly snacks are good for the soul) 🥣

▪️Delete social media (and then limit it) to focus on my four walls.

▪️Push myself back into journalism (who says you can’t report on Lebanon during your son’s naps?)

▪️Go on our first family vacation, turn off our phones, and soak up every moment 😊

▪️Use the getaway to reprioritize our marriage (we brought my mother-in-law so Thomas and I could go on dates)!

Funny enough, while we were in the Dominican, I obsessed over getting the “perfect” family photo. But the pics ended up being out of focus. At first, I was devastated. Looking back, I’m glad they turned out this way.

I don’t think the “perfect” photo is very real. It doesn’t represent the mother I’m striving to be. One who lets go of perfectionism, prioritizes the peace of her home, and embraces sacrifice with joy.

I have a long way to go. But I’m finding SO much peace in the process 😊 I look forward to continuing the work in 2025!

The Irony: 5 Years Since I Experienced True Hope in Lebanon

I will never forget that feeling of hope.

Exactly 5 years ago, I was in Lebanon – covering the revolution.

I still get chills when I think about it.

For the first time ever, millions of Lebanese people from all sects, classes, and backgrounds united. They blocked roads, blasted national songs, and danced in the streets – refusing to stop until their corrupt government stepped down.

The entire country was filled with hope.

Lebanon was FINALLY going to change!

In fact, one of my articles was titled “A New Lebanon.”

Fast forward 5 years … and nothing has changed.

Actually, the state of Lebanon has never been worse.

Since 2019, it has endured:

⛔️ A failed revolution.
⛔️ A crippling pandemic.
⛔️ An economic collapse.
⛔️ The deadly Beirut Blast.
⛔️ And now, Israel’s bloody bombardment.

In case you missed my last article, I tried to explain each of these crises … and how the people of Lebanon have been stripped of any future or hope in their homeland.

If you’re interested in learning more, here is my story.

The Year We Grew Together: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATTHIAS!

On July 14, 2018, I walked into church and met the love of my life.

On one of our first dates, Thomas said he always dreamt of naming his future son after St. Matthias.

On July 14, 2023 – our 5-year anniversary – I went into labor with our Matthias.

You couldn’t have written it more perfectly.

It was magical.

Except it wasn’t.

You see, I spent 9 months romanticizing the moment of meeting our boy. The nurses said they’d never seen a woman so happy during labor.

I literally had butterflies … until delivery.

To make a long story short: Matthias was born “sunny-side up.” So his head was down, but facing up. That makes delivery MUCH harder. In fact, only 5 to 8 percent of births occur that way. 

I will spare the details, but the pain was wild.

The recovery was worse.

And I ended up having a panic attack and fainting on the bathroom floor.

The only thing that woke me up was Matthias crying. He was hungry, but I couldn’t stand up.

I started crying.

“I’m sorry,” a nurse said. “But I have to give him a bottle.”

Suddenly, I was in a wheelchair. I got up. I put Matthias on my chest and nursed him for the first time.

Those first several months, Matthias did not get the best version of me.

He got a traumatized one.

But he loved me anyway.

Over the past year, I’ve watched Matthias go from a newborn – scared of his new world – to a joyful, peaceful, and loving boy.

Over the past year, he’s watched me go from a new mom – scared of her new world – to a joyful, peaceful, and loving mother.

We went from sleepless nights to sleep trained. Struggling to breastfeed to not wanting to stop. Two minutes of tummy time to hours of crawling. Smiling to squeak-laughing. Discovering his hands to dancing. Showering him with kisses, to getting kisses back.

We went through it all together.

Hand in hand.

And it created the most meaningful, unbreakable bond.

On his 1st birthday, I feel like it’s a celebration of the 3 of us.

This year, I learned “family” isn’t always picture perfect. It’s the beautiful moments. The challenges. The growth through it all.

And it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Happy 1st Birthday to the greatest boy in the world. 3a2bel meet sini! We love you more than you will ever know!!!

2024 Goal: Stop Hyperfocusing on Goals

After a busy holiday week (and the start of a 6-month sleep regression), I’m late on a 2023 recap 😅 But I wanted to sit down and reflect on what was truly a life-changing year.

• Started 2023 determined to get my Lebanon story in the news. By the time it aired, Matthias made his TV debut 🤰🏻😆

• Experienced a dream-come-true: was pregnant at the same time as my sister!

• Cherished every part of pregnancy & DREAMT of meeting our son!

• Began getting contractions while producing the 5 o’clock news 📺

• Flew through labor, had a wild delivery & postpartum, and survived it all thanks to my unbelievable husband, mom, and family.

• Went on to experience the most transformative 6 months of my life. I can’t put into words how Matthias has changed me. But one day I hope to write about it 🥺

Each January, I write new goals. This year, there’s a lot I hope to accomplish. I want to create a more structured routine for Matthias and myself. I want to get back to writing about Lebanon. But my #1 goal is to learn how to put that list aside and thank God for what I already have. Tbh, I struggle with that. In 2024, I’m aiming to put my phone down, be more present, and *fully* appreciate the list above 🙏🏼

From going on a babymoon, to finding out we were having a boy, to experiencing the moments I listed above — 2023 was filled with life-changing moments I will cherish forever. Here are some of the photos from the year :)

You Don’t Have To Lie To Your Boss To Chase Your Dreams

Last year, I kind of lied to my boss 😬

I asked for time off to “visit family” in Lebanon. But deep down, I had other plans.

When I returned to my job as a producer, I promised myself I’d still write about Lebanon. But TV news gets chaotic. Life gets busy. And I found myself feeling unfulfilled.

So last summer, I was determined to use part of my vacation to report.

I came clean to my boss. I (nervously) asked if she would let me do a story while overseas. I’m a producer and not allowed on camera … so I couldn’t BELIEVE when she said yes!

I wound up shooting the story in Lebanon and spending months editing it (on the side of my day-to-day producing job). Earlier this month, it was finally released.

I’ve posted about this before, but I don’t think life has to be as drastic as “quit your job and chase your dreams.” As long as you’re ok with having uncomfortable conversations with your boss … putting in some extra hours … and especially if you have a ridiculously supportive spouse who offers to hold the camera … I believe you can have both dreams + stability :)

PS: I finally uploaded a vlog about our trip to Egypt & Lebanon! As usual, it gets deep 😅 Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp26XST-K5U&t=1s

Leaving Lebanon and Turning 30: Embracing Life's Changes

This village means everything to me. My dad was born and raised in Mazraat El Toufah and passed down his obsession with his hometown to me. So when I was 24 – still an insecure girl who didn’t believe in herself — I moved here. I had no idea if I’d make it as a journalist, learn the language, or make friends. Every day, I had severe anxiety. But walking through these mountains every morning, attending daily mass at the village church, answering the door to neighbors checking on me, strengthening my Arabic, and eventually publishing my first article … slowly but surely, I built confidence. I started believing in myself. Inspired by the people around me, I started relaxing, eating, and living more, and even grew out of an eating disorder. 

I guess it’s fitting I got to finish my 29th year in the place that helped me grow. My husband and I spent the summer in Egypt and Lebanon. I dedicated part of the Lebanon trip to gathering as many interviews and potential stories as possible — just like my past trips.

Except this time, I got to bring my husband — something I never dreamed I’d be able to say. After years of figuring things out alone, I had someone holding my hand (and camera), supporting me in every step — just like he once promised. I got butterflies watching everyone meet and fall in love with him, too. I got to pick vegetables in the garden with my mom. I got to drink coffee on the balcony with my dad – after not knowing whether he’d survive, let alone travel, after his stroke.

Reporting in Beirut and collecting interviews during my summer 2022 trip.

I cried leaving. Part of me wished we could stay forever. I didn’t want to return to my big-girl job, or turn 30, or accept the fact that I can’t wander Lebanon for months anymore. But I’m thankful for the time I got to spend here in my 20s. Maybe I didn’t publish every article I wanted to. Maybe I didn’t hit every career goal. Heck, I just brought home story ideas that I fear will never get published. But my time here has helped me grow as a person. And I feel blessed to bring that into a new decade. Here’s to 30 😊🙏🏼

Eating + Resting More: My New Health Approach

Eating + resting more was my “#shreddingforthewedding” approach.

As I reflect on 2021, that’s something I’m proud of.

For years, I obsessed over being “skinny” 🙄 I cringe looking back at that time. I was under eating, over exercising, and wasting energy caring about size > health.

Thankfully, I’ve come a long way from that distorted mentality.

When it came to preparing for my wedding, I wanted to enter the new chapter feeling my best – but refused to diet. Instead, I focused on:

SPIRITUALITY: Tom + I took a Cana Prep course that opened my eyes to the sanctity of marriage. It made me realize I wasn’t just planning a wedding, but preparing for the most honorable role of my life. Marriage is a gift from God, but it requires work, growth, and striving toward Him.

MENTAL HEALTH: Planning a wedding during a pandemic, while working several jobs, gave me anxiety. Using Headspace to meditate each morning drastically helped. You can’t stop anxiety, but you can change your response to it.

REST: Exercise is important, but rest is critical. I listen to my body and rest when needed. But 1 day/week, I’m a total bum. No caffeine, exercise, or work allowed. This is hard, because your ego says to be productive. But, without fail, I’m rejuvenated the rest of the week!

REAL FOOD: It’s not the amount of calories you eat, it’s the quality. I eat as much as I want, as long as it’s real. I also function best with more fat/less sugar. That’s helped lower my insulin levels, decrease cravings for junk, and enhance brain function, sleep + energy 🥜

LIFE > DIET: I used to allow diet to interfere with the most important part of life: relationships. But eating with family is a blessing. Pie on Thanksgiving is fun. My sister’s Christmas cookies are a tradition. Weight fluctuation is normal.

I typically avoid posting about health. It can come off as preachy, or even toxic. But if I can help one person understand they don’t have to starve themselves to feel their best, and that health is much more than weight, it’s worth it. I’m also not one to preach, as I have a lot to work on (praying instead of worrying; being more present; unwinding with a book instead of Netflix; the list goes on). But I’m writing those down for 2022 😊

Why I Never Should've Stressed About The "Wedding"

This time last year, I didn’t believe we could pull off a wedding.

We were in a pandemic, receptions weren’t allowed, and even if they were … prices were ridiculous 😅

I focused on the logistics. My solution? Working three jobs … which meant barely seeing my fiancé (who was working hard himself, while studying for an MBA). I was stressed. Thomas was calm. Whenever I’d say, "this wedding’s never going to happen!” Tom would say the same thing: “God will provide.”

As covid continued, we canceled our venue and moved the reception outdoors. That brought MORE challenges: where would we host? How would we beautify a tent? Where would guests use the restroom? What if it rains? The list went on! But Tom’s response never changed:

“God will provide.”

On Aug. 1, I woke up to pouring rain. The forecast said rain + thunder ALL day. Yet, right before my dad + Tom’s gido walked me out of the house, the rain stopped. The sun came out. From that moment, every part of the wedding blew me away..

• My cousins Joe and Annie Latanzio hosted our reception on their land and left us SPEECHLESS. (Valet parking, elegant outdoor cocktail hour, steak dinner + top-notch service!)

• DJ Michael Khoury poured his heart + soul into organizing an epic reception

• Buffalo Event Essentials transformed our tent

• Belle Decor Rentals created gorgeous signage

• Reliable Onsite Services provided a luxury outdoor restroom

What’s ironic is these logistics were a bonus. 

It was my whole family coming together to put on a STUNNING laylia; our priest + Tom’s family renovating our home so we could focus on the wedding; the heartfelt speeches + tears at the reception; the dance with my dad, who I once almost lost; our family members/BFFs since birth never leaving our side the whole weekend; the amount of passion, time, and love my cousins put into hosting our reception; and, above all, the covenant we made with God, on the altar, to become one.

THAT was our wedding.

When Thomas said, "God will provide," I was too focused on the logistics to see it. The truth is, God ALWAYS provides. He was all along! I just wasn’t looking.

PS: I uploaded a vlog about my journey to the wedding if you want to watch 😊

Thank God For You: Our Love Story

When I was 16, a boy at school told me, “no guy will ever want you.”

That stuck with me longer than I'd like to admit. I was the awkward Lebanese girl at a very white school. I graduated dangerously insecure … and decided to hyper-focus on becoming the best me.

For years, I hardly dated. Never had a boyfriend. Never felt worthy of marriage.

Eventually, I became so obsessed with personal growth that I convinced myself marriage would get in the way.

Then, on July 14, 2018, I walked into an Egyptian Coptic church for a wedding. An incredibly handsome guy … the kind who’d never talk to someone like me … walked by and said, “whoa, looking good.”

My heart dropped.

He DM’d me, which turned into texting every day. We were completely different. He was unemployed, confused about his career path, and prioritized serving his church + family. His dream was to take care of his mom. Mine was to be a renowned journalist. I felt so drawn to him, but knew we’d never work.

One night, he asked if we could officially “date.” Going against my racing heart, I said no; I was returning to Lebanon and didn’t want to give up my goals. “Of course you don’t,” Tom said. “You have dreams to chase first.”

I was blown away. But as my feelings grew, so did my worries. At another date, I told Tom I wasn’t ready for a relationship and needed to step back.

He said no. He took my hands, looked me in the eyes, and said he would do everything in his power to become the man I needed.

That moment changed my life.

Tom chose me, and nothing was going to change his mind.

Since that day, he’s shown me a love I never thought possible...

The kind in which he applied to (and recently graduated from) an MBA program to build a future for us -- before I agreed to date him; worked his butt off, going from an intern to full-time employee, to save up for an engagement ring; booked me a ticket to Lebanon to prove he’ll be my #1 supporter.

The kind in which he dedicates hours a week to visiting my family members + serving his church; drives an hour to my house when I’m anxious, just to pray with me and give me a hug; looks at me like I’m the only girl on earth, even when I’m in a terrible mood or not wearing makeup; promises he’ll take care of me, no matter what our situation.

Unwavering, unconditional love.

The way God loves us.

On July 14, 2018, I walked into Tom’s church and thought I knew what life was about.

Tomorrow, I’m walking into that same church. This time, to take the hand of the greatest man I’ve ever met … to lead me, our home, our future children. Because the way Tom loves and lives has changed my life. His example makes me want to be a better person. He leads me toward Christ -- which is what I’ve needed all along.

I cannot wait to see you at the altar, 7ayat albi ❤️

If you think my maid article made Lebanon look bad, please read (or listen) to this

A couple months ago, I published an article I’ve dreamt of writing for years. One I always feared would be too challenging. But after a year of traveling + investigating, I finally wrote it:

An exposé on the abuse of African and Asian maids in Lebanon.

Yet, days before publishing, I almost backed out. I considered scrapping the whole thing...

Because I was terrified of people hating me 😬

If you’re unfamiliar, Lebanon’s a stunningly picturesque country -- with even better people, food, and history. But it gets terrible media attention. By highlighting Lebanese who abuse their maids, instead of those who treat them right … I worried my community would think I was adding to that problem. I’d just be another journalist making Lebanon look bad 😟

Then, I read something that changed my perspective ...

Khalil Gibran was once hated. The most famous Lebanese writer of all time was exiled from Lebanon and excommunicated from the church.

Why? For writing about how corrupt Lebanon’s rulers and church had become.

Did that mean he was making Lebanon look bad? Honestly, I think he was just trying to better his country. His voice was sometimes harsh, but it had to be for tyrants to listen.

In no way am I comparing myself to Gibran. I’m just saying, if you can’t tell by my blog, I’m obsessed with Lebanon. But sometimes, when you love something, you point out its flaws -- hoping it’ll become better.

My friends at “It’s All Journalism” invited me on their podcast -- and we discussed this very topic. We also got personal -- discussing how little money I make reporting in Lebanon, why I want to continue doing it anyway, and how the heck I’m gonna balance that with my relationship/job/life 😂

If you’re interested in listening, click here!

The Truth About Freelancing + Why I’m Not Going to Lebanon This Year

You know how people post captions like, “Quit your job, follow your passion, and carve your own path!”

I’ve tried. For 3+ years. It’s hard 😬

I’ve been traveling to Lebanon as a freelancer since I was 24. Each trip, I spend months exploring the country + diving into stories I’m passionate about. I’ve had the privilege of writing about topics like suicide amongst Syrian child brides, refugee child labor, and the epic Lebanese revolution.

But there’s a serious downside … 

The pay.

Freelancers typically earn $50-350 per article. Because I focus on long-form investigations … that can = less than $1 per day 😬

For years, I convinced my family it was worth it. I was “investing in my portfolio,” which would “lead to a dream job.” But I could never get myself to apply to any. I recently realized why … 

Writing in Lebanon isn’t a stepping stone. It *is* my dream job.

Reporting in my parents’ country enriches me in so many ways. It connects me to my roots, brings me closer to my culture, and gives me this unparalleled sense of pride.

But I need stability. I need a steady income (I mean … I have a wedding to pay for!) So, I recently returned to my former TV news job in Buffalo.

For weeks, I was terrified I was giving up on my dreams.

But I think I’m finally just finding balance. I’m learning true happiness cannot *solely* come from where you work. It comes from balancing every beautiful part of life! For me, that means producing for an awesome TV station, enjoying my hometown with my family, community, and soulmate (how lucky am I), and visiting/writing about Lebanon as often as I can.

Yeah, maybe it won’t be for months at a time. But the Bible says there’s a season for everything. As much as people on social media make it look like you have to go hard 365 days/year to achieve your dreams, sometimes you need a season to anchor yourself. Doesn’t make you any less of a hustler. Actually, it could give you the stability to achieve your goals while *actually* enjoying life.

If You’re American, I Implore You To Do This For Lebanon

Tossing and turning, I woke up before my alarm. I grabbed my phone to check the latest death toll.

171.

My heart sunk. More people dead. And I was guilty.

Last Tuesday, an explosion in Beirut killed innocent men, women, and children, injured 6,000 more, and left more than 300,000 homeless.

The cause? An ungodly amount of explosive chemicals the government unsafely stored in a warehouse. AKA: Lebanese leaders, once again, failed to protect their people.

This was the biggest explosion Beirut’s ever seen. Bigger than any terrorist attack, war, or conflict with Israel. In a sick way, it was metaphorical: the people’s deadliest threat is their own government.

So why do I feel guilty?

Because I could’ve been dead instead of someone else.

Out of pure luck, my parents were born in Lebanon but emigrated to America before I was born. It wasn’t until I temporarily moved to the Middle Eastern country that I realized the remarkable privilege of being American. A privilege I did nothing to deserve. A privilege many don’t appreciate.

You see, in Lebanon, politicians can get away with murder. They have for years.

Before the explosion, the Lebanese were already dealing with: a Venezuela-style economic collapse, food shortage, thousands of layoffs, empty ATMs, and an extreme devaluation of currency. Not to mention, they have no clean water, 24-hour electricity, or trash collection.

In October, the Lebanese had enough. They launched a revolution -- demanding better rights. The government ignored them. In March, the coronavirus pandemic caused a famine. The government ignored them. After Tuesday’s explosion, the government was nowhere to be found. It was citizens who searched for dead bodies, cleaned up the streets, and opened their houses to the homeless. 

I wasn’t surprised.

Over the last few years, I’ve been traveling to Lebanon as a journalist. I’ve written numerous articles … but there’s NO WAY I could’ve done so without the help of the Lebanese.

Each trip, people I never met went above and beyond to take care of me. Mothers in my town worried what I was eating and cooked me dinner; young men guarded my door with baseball bats if I was scared; strangers drove me across the country when they heard I needed a ride to an interview; college students offered to translate for me.

One of those translators once told me he wanted to commit suicide. The English literature graduate had dreams of working on a college campus -- but zero chance of a future in Lebanon. Every few months, he texts me: “Do you know any programs that can bring me to America?”

I don’t.

These people are brilliant, educated, and far more skilled than me. With no opportunities to pursue their own dreams, they’ve helped make mine come true.

So what can I do in return?

Certainly, I can donate. But I can also do something else:

Appreciate being American.

I’m sorry to say, I don’t feel everyone in the U.S. appreciates what they have. I don’t know if they grasp how remarkably privileged we are to be American.

Not to say the U.S. doesn’t have its share of injustices. But if you’re homeless, there are shelters. If you’re in debt, bankruptcy or welfare can catch you. If you’re psychologically or physically harmed, there’s medical treatment. If a politician is corrupt, they’re jailed. If you’re unfairly wronged, there’s a justice system. If someone’s killed in the streets, a movement is launched.

Please pray for the victims in Lebanon. Donate if you can (links are below). But above all, please appreciate being American.

LINKS TO DONATE:

Lebanese Red Cross : On-ground medical emergency services 

Lebanese Food Bank Association : Food supplies to displaced families 

Donner Sang Compter : Blood donations and on-ground crisis relief efforts

Beit Al Baraka : Comprehensive support for families, i.e. fixing damaged homes, distributing food, and medical coverage

Offre Joie : Volunteer movement to rebuild homes and clean up debris

Before You Judge Lebanon, Understand The Whole Story

While you see blood, violence and chaos -- I see peace.

If you follow western news outlets, you may notice coverage of the Lebanese revolution is ramping up. Headlines read, “Protests in Lebanon are turning violent” and “Lebanon is on the brink of chaos.”

Before you judge -- please understand the whole story.

From the start, protesters have been adamant about making this a peaceful movement. They’ve protested by dancing in the streets, blasting national songs and proudly waving Lebanese flags.

As an American girl, walking around with a camera, I never felt safer. In fact, protesters went above and beyond to help with my stories. They offered to drive me to demonstrations, lift me up when I needed a better camera angle, find people to interview, and bring me food and water.

I also never felt more inspired.

Though these people were denied everything -- job opportunities, decent incomes, just law enforcement, clean water, reliable electricity, trash pickup -- they refused to be violent.

At one demonstration, I even witnessed hundreds stop the protest to pray the rosary. With tears in their eyes, they prayed for a new government to give them basic rights.

But the current leaders aren’t giving in. Instead, they’re retaliating. Just last week, police in Beirut fired rubber bullets, tear gas and water cannons at protesters. So, after three months of being peaceful, some people are fighting back.

That doesn’t mean all Lebanese are violent. That doesn’t mean it’s “yet another violent uprising” in the Middle East. Western media often runs with that narrative -- but it’s important we understand the full story.

The full story is Lebanese people want a decent life in their home country. They have been *trying* to ask for that in a peaceful way. But they face forces that we, here in America, never have to encounter. So, before we judge the situation based on headlines, let’s understand the complete picture.

SYRIANS ARE BEING KICKED OUT | Here's What You Didn't See

Writing is my passion. It’s my favorite way to tell a story. But man, there’s something powerful about a photo.

Sometimes, it’s all you need to understand someone’s plight.

Last Tuesday, I published my first article of this Lebanon trip. Washington Monthly hired me to explain why the Lebanese government is destroying Syrian refugee shelters.

I went to several camps and witnessed the destruction. I interviewed Syrians who lost their homes. I couldn’t believe my eyes. But, as journalism goes, only a couple shots could make the cut.

So, I created a gallery of some of the most powerful scenes I witnessed:

PHOTO 1: Mohammad, a Syrian refugee, sits in what used to be a cement shelter at an informal refugee settlement in Bar Elias.

PHOTO 2: Alnoud, Maysoun's 14-year-old daughter, has a scar on her hand from the explosion that destroyed her home in Syria, and killed her father, in 2012. Seven years later, her shelter in Lebanon was destroyed as well.

PHOTO 3: After the Lebanese Armed Forces destroyed Maysoun’s shelter in Bar Elias, she moved to another informal settlement nearby. Here, she’s standing in front of the bathroom of her new shelter, which includes a hole in the ground for both a toilet and shower.

PHOTOS 4-6: Syrian refugees at informal settlements have been given wood and plastic sheeting to replace their cement shelters.

THE STORY OF CHASE CHEWNING | And Why I Asked For His Help

I can’t believe I’m about to admit this ...

During my reporting trip in Lebanon, I sometimes skipped exploring refugee camps to watch YouTube videos.

That’s right. On the Syrian border, surrounded by stories, I’d watch vloggers like @chase_chewning work out.

Ridiculous, right?

Absolutely.

But -- that’s how I realized news is not my ONLY passion.

You see, vloggers aren’t just about fitness. They open up about everything: quitting their jobs; turning side hustles into businesses; dating; moving; growing; changing.

When I went to Lebanon to report, my first article was an exposé on Syrian child labor. It was @Vox’s lead online story. A @nytimes reporter shared it. I should’ve been elated.

But I wasn’t … and I knew why.

I would’ve never published that story, gone overseas OR quit my job … if it weren’t for the headspace I had gotten into.

Months before leaving Buffalo, I focused on: eating healthy, exercising, meditating & writing gratitudes. These habits cleared my mind. Helped me stop caring what others thought. Encouraged me to carve my own path.

And I wanted to help others do the same.

But there was one problem … I was too insecure to put it all out there 😬

Slooooowly but surely, I’ve opened up. But I still catch myself holding back. So back in November, I had a wild idea. I flew across the country, DM’d Chase and asked for help.

“How did you get over being insecure on camera? Grow your platform? Permanently leave your job?”

I had no idea if he’d respond … and was FLOORED when he agreed to meet!

Chase told me everything: how he went from being miserable at his 9-5 to launching his own business, podcast and YouTube channel -- all by not caring what others think.

This summer, I’m taking his advice to Lebanon. I’m going to continue carving my own career path and, hopefully, inspire others.

If you want to do the same, but let fear get in the way, THIS IS FOR YOU. My convo with Chase is on my YouTube now. Play it in the car, at the gym, wherever … but I promise it’s worth the listen 😃

Feeling Like a Loser Led To Being in a Book

I felt like a loser in college 😬

While most of my friends were at bars, I was interrogating frat guys about drug deals, investigating burglaries + writing articles till 4 a.m.

I was an editor/reporter at the University at Buffalo’s student-run newspaper, The Spectrum … and I was obsessed 🤓

But every time my friends said I needed to go out more, I felt guilty. Am I not making the best of college? Wasting my youth?

Looking back, I realize I was just following my gut.

Now, I’m glad I did.

That newspaper wound up leading me to national awards, an internship at ABC World News, a producing position at Spectrum News, a passion that would lead me overseas...

… and now, a spot in this textbook 😲

Professor Marcy Burstiner from Humboldt State University interviewed me about my 2014 article on illegal fraternities at the University at Buffalo. She wants to show students that even though they’re young -- they can *still* write groundbreaking investigations.

I’m not posting this to brag. I’m posting this to say you don’t have to do what everyone else is to “make the best” of college -- or whatever stage of life you’re in.

The “best” is following your gut. Making decisions that are hard in the moment, but fulfilling in the end. Who knows, maybe your decisions will wind up inspiring others. I really hope this book does!

I Always Said I'd Be A Terrible Teacher

I always said I would be a terrible teacher.

But when The Spectrum asked me to teach their class this past semester, I couldn’t say no...

Cause The Spectrum has a piece of my heart <3

In college, my friends and I were savages at this newspaper 🤓

The University at Buffalo doesn’t have a journalism school -- so we worked our butts off to compete with the best student newspapers in the country.

We dug into investigative stories larger than ourselves; hustled to be the first source in Buffalo to break news; and won awards our school had never seen before.

The best part about coming back to teach? Meeting a group of reporters who remind me of our group. Looking forward to continue helping them/living vicariously through them :)

THE TRUTH | Why I Went 3 Months Without Instagram/YouTube

Back from a 3-month break from Instagram and feeling GREAT.

So great, I’m not even ashamed to take this super obnoxious selfie ✌️

Anywho, I don’t expect you to care I wasn’t on Instagram. But stepping away was so rejuvenating, I want to share my experience!

First off, I love motivating people. For a while, I tried doing that on Instagram.

But this past fall + winter, I found myself posting motivational quotes, career ambitious, healthy habits … and in reality, feeling like crap.

Physically -- I was letting myself go. I’d have “cheat days” 1-3 times a week; wake up with low energy; struggle to workout.

Professionally, I felt stuck. I spent the last year working as a news producer in Buffalo. It felt great to be home & focus on my personal life after living overseas. But gradually, that turned into avoiding the next step in my career 😬

So … I deleted Instagram. I tried to center myself & figure out how I wanted to LIVE instead of what I wanted to POST.

During this time, I:

1. Cut out processed food

2. Trained myself to do fasted cardio

3. Journaled and meditated more often

4. Began teaching a journalism class at the University at Buffalo

5. Took on my FIRST on-camera story with WNED/WBFO (our local PBS station)

6. Planned + booked another reporting trip to Lebanon

7. Focused on being a better producer at my actual job

8. Worked on my relationships 😏

9. Spent quality time with family/friends without my phone

But the BIGGEST accomplishment was one I didn’t expect: feeling inner joy without this app.

I always want to be more satisfied with my life than my Instagram feed. For a while, I wasn’t. If you feel the same way, I highly recommend a break 😊

Why I Stepped Away From My Career in 2018

✖️I’VE BEEN HIDING THIS FROM SOCIAL MEDIA✖️

Dramatic, I know lol.

But it’s something I was embarrassed about.

In 2018, I took a break from my career.

I use social media to promote finding your passion + working hard.

Yet this year, I’ve said no to:
1️⃣ A full-time producing job
2️⃣ A position that could lead to being a TV reporter
3️⃣ Another reporting trip overseas

I’ve taken a step back -- working as a part-time producer, part-time waitress. Today, I want to share why.

I started sharing my life on Instagram during an 8-month trip in Lebanon. I had quit my journalism job in Buffalo, NY to try and freelance for international news outlets.

I always post about the GOOD that came out of that trip: published articles; self-growth: Instagram-worthy hikes.

What I don’t talk about is how lonely I was ... and had been for a while.

High school was rough … I was insecure & hated myself. So in college, when I found something I was good at (journalism), I became obsessed with becoming the best at it.

That neurotic attitude got me places. I won national awards at @UBSpectrum; worked with journalists like Diane Sawyer at @abcnews; reported for Al Jazeera overseas.

When I wasn’t working, I was working on my body. Exercising...meal prepping...avoiding social situations that’d “mess up my diet.”

I was running from the girl I was in high school. Maybe it worked.

But I barely made new friends. Hardly dated. Distanced myself from anyone who didn’t “understand my goals.” I had ZERO room in my heart for anything outside myself.

On Dec. 18, 2017, I came home. I decided to take my job back, save money + return to Lebanon when it felt right.

Well, it never did. I found myself losing my drive and … putting my personal life first 😲

I’ve filled 2018 with: dance parties w/ my nieces + nephews; deep talks w/ old friends; amazing memories with new ones.

I even launched a fitness YouTube channel. Imagine that … dedicating my time to something other than journalism!

My favorite priest recently said: “when your heart gets purified, it gets bigger. When it gets bigger, more people can find a place there.”

For a while, I was scared this year was a waste. But my heart is finally making room for people to find a place there. It’s rejuvenating … and I feel more ready than ever to tackle new goals in 2019 👊

I’m sharing this because a lot of people on Instagram promote “focusing on yourself.” I’m all about that. But if you find yourself taking it too far, it’s ok to take a step back. Take it from someone who just did for a year … it was anything but a waste.